Political Frenzy

A recent documentary called “The God Who Wasn’t There” is making tremendous controversy for itself by deliberately attacking the fundamental principles of Christianity. The idiocy of the film is unmatched. People who claim Roswell harbors the remains of an alien scout ship have more credibility than anyone who believes a word uttered in this film. I am not a Christian, and in fact love myself to poke holes in any religious literalist doctrine, but this film is absurd.

The claims made by the film:
1) Jesus was a composite character pieced together from bits of ancient lore, not a living breathing human. In essence, the stories of Jesus walking the Earth are entirely fictional. Mainly he is an amalgamation of both Dionysus and Mithras

This is bullpoop. Of course Jesus bears a striking resemblance to many deities and heroes, because there are certain aspects that are universal to such - from Gilgamesh in Mesopotamia to Neo in the Matrix.

Dionysus was born to a virgin mother and was killed and resurrected. First of all, Dionysus’s origin and resurrection have none of the same meaning as Jesus and are used in totally different contexts. And of course any god or God would use those as tools to prove a miracle - I mean, isn’t that the basis of a miracle, that it accomplishes the impossible? Virgin births and the dead being resurrected are two of the most fundamentally impossible things to the human psyche, and the most apparent of miracles.

Look, they built pyramids in Cambodia, Egypt, and Mexico pretty much simultaneously without intercommunication. Why? Because humans, as an animal, respond to certain things universally. We pay attention when someone builds a massive pyramid, and we sure as hell sit up when someone rises from the grave.

As for Mithras, let me point out that the Cult of Mithras came to popularity in Rome AFTER Jesus’s death. Although the cult existed before Jesus’s birth, it was minor to say the least. In fact, the first historical mention of the cult comes from the histories of Plutarch, who was born 16 years after the death of Jesus. The concept of Mithras actually comes from my own religion, Zoroastrianism,thousands of years older than Christ. But the Mithras the movie talks about and the very ancient Mithras are about as similar as Luke Skywalker as portrayed by Mark Hamill and Anaken Skywalker as portrayed by Hayden Christiansen. You sit there wonder why these two even have similar names. Besides, Mithras was only born to a virgin according to accounts in AD, not BC. In BC, Mithras was born out of a rock.

Finally, they come to the fact that Mithras was said to have been born on December 25th hence why Jesus is based off of him. Look buddy, anyone who reads the Bible knows for a fact Jesus wasn’t born in winter - I mean who in Judea would have their sheep out to pasture in December? That’s just when it gets celebrated because, yes, the Cult of Mithras was more popular than Christianity for a while. Plus, if you notice, that’s also when Saturnalia - the Roman festival of backwardsness where the slaves are served by the master, everyone gives gifts, and the drunk never pay their gambling debts - was celebrated. So Constantine was smart and when he made the Catholic Church the official religion of the Roman Empire, he aligned the celebrations of the new religion to match some old ones. That’s the politics of religion.

2) The letters of Saint Paul of Tarsus depict an ethereal Jesus figuratively performing all the miracles, not a living man
Even idiots know that Saint Paul did not know Jesus in life. According to the Bible, Paul saw Christ’s death and resurrection in a dream. Of course he didn’t describe a real man, he never met him! He was writing about his dreams, his visions. Please.

3) There are too many contradictions in Christian doctrine for it to be real
Grow up and give me a break. Of course there are a buttload of contradictions. I’ll let you in on a secret: science, which I personally have a passion for, is also in total contradiction.

I’m studying to be a scientist, and I’m okay with the fact that Newtonian Physics and Quantum Physics aren’t compatible. Newton says that there can be no cause without a direct effect, and that worked for years and years until we discovered radioactive isotopes. Quantum Physics proves that without direct effect a certain quantity of radioactive particles will die after a certain amount of time. So we’re working on a Grand Unification Theory.

The universe is contradiction. The Earth maintains its shape because of contradictory forces, and ambivalence is a legitimate emotion. Don’t expect everything to be black and white.

Look, Christian opposers, I’ll even give you a hint as to where to start if you want to poke through the Bible. For instance, in Genesis, God cannot find Adam in the Garden of Eden without calling out his name, and must ask him why he was hiding (because he ate from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge and became aware of his own nakedness, of which he was ashamed) thus disproving God’s omniscience. Or perhaps the fact that Adam could not have possibly named all animals on Earth because he had no way of reaching Angler Fish without pressurized submersibles.

These are issues of faith, however, not fact. And when you try and ‘disprove’ Jesus you end up looking like a fool.

For instance, the Romans were pretty well known for being strict record keepers. I mean, that’s why Jesus was born in Bethlehem in the first place, because of a Roman census. Well, did you that they recorded the death of “Iesus Nasaretius”? See: Jesus of Nazareth.

Fools.

So before I thought “Mitt Romney - Massachusetts conservative. Executive experience, okay, fair enough, sounds like an alright dude.”

WRONG.

I was wrong. I admit it. Mitt Romney is a total smeghead.

In a recent Fox News interview, Mitt Romney was asked the perennial question, “What is your favorite novel?” You’ve got a lot of choices, from A Tale of Two Cities to the novelization of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. What does he answer? “Battlefield Earth”.

For those not in the know, Battlefield Earth is to the Church of Scientology what Birth of a Nation is to the Ku Klux Klan. For those unaware of what THAT means, click here. The novel (recently adapted into a film by a large number of Scientologist actors and crew) is written by L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the church, and is an obvious preaching of Scientologist values.

One of the fundamental principles of Scientology is that psychiatrists are evil megalomaniacal masterminds who use hypnosis and drugs to keep the entire population of Earth under their command. They also believe that human souls are actually the ghosts of dead aliens who have been brainwashed by ancient alien psychiatrists into feeling pain. Oh how I wish I were making that up. But I’m not.

The book follows the adventures of Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (dumbest character name of all time) in the year 3000 when an alien race known as the Psychlos has enslaved humanity. A little about the Psychlos: they are so named because the Catrists, the ruling class of the Psychlos, have dubbed them all mental patients - Psychlo being their word for such. Jonnie Goodboy Tyler comes in contact with only one benevolent member of this race who belongs to a church where they are trying to overthrow the Psychlo Catrists.

Say that real fast: Psychlo Catrists.

Now, I’m no fan of the psychiatric profession - psychology, a completely different profession, is much more capable of handling most cases of mental distress, and modern psychiatry is much to preoccupied with drugs and medicine. But to think they are some kind of evil cabal is going far overboard.

Mitt Romney’s favorite book of all time is a piece of propoganda for a dangerous and twisted cult. And it’s not even very well written - trust me, I’m a tremendous sci-fi fan.

To put the spoiled whipped cream on the crap sundae, Mitt Romney made this joke:

As a Mormon, I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman… and a woman, and a woman…

Yuk yuk. Polygyny isn’t funny, Mr. Romney, it’s a disgusting practice of devaluing women and is a hallmark of a violent agricultural society. So shut your big ugly pie-hole.

Your mission for the day: burn a copy of Battlefield Earth, kick John Travolta and Forrest Whittaker in the pants, and DON’T VOTE FOR ROMNEY!

Mitt Romney, Battlefield Earth, L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology, Mormonism, Polygyny, Polygamy, John Travolta, Forrest Whittaker, the body politick

The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) is considering a resolution that would give an automatic R rating to any film depicting a character smoking due to the bad example it sets for children.

This is so wearily silly.

Did anyone stop to consider that this would mean children could no longer enjoy the Disney classic 101 Dalmatians? Cruella DeVille was smoking throughout that entire film! Anti-Smoking ads depicting people holding lit cigarettes would have to be yanked from the air as well.

As a fiction writer, I know that smoking can sometimes be a strong literary tool for character development, conveying extreme stress, or creating parallels between seemingly disparate characters. The anti-smoking establishment used to be worth supporting, but now it’s thrown itself into an idealogical fit and rage without the intelligence and intellect it used to have.

Come on people, get a grip.

Dalmatians, 101 Dalmatians, Disney, Smoking, Tobacco, MPAA, films